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Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window. 
: Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.
Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.
why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.
As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”
DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.
Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope
Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.
Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!
When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."
do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?
I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.
If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word. 