Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.