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Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do? 
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords
If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.
That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.
"i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.
I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be
I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.
Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.
The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich. 