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You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day. 
I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by,
"that's him officer"
Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
Some people should
use a glue stick
instead of chap stick.
Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.
Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.
I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!
Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
Relationship status: Would get in the van
Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously
Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD
Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....
How do nudist clean their glasses?
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses" 