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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on. 
I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.
If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.
Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money. 