tomcall Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   Society would improve leaps and bounds if people would just stop putting those stupid Transformers emblems on their cars.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg: Weren't you doing just fine without the irritating banner ads?

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   These high gas prices sure have made it hard to land on the dollar when filling up.

   After Al Gore gets divorced, his wife will receive 40 percent of his ego, his ignorance, and the Internet.

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   Man, good thing the Obama family got that dog. I'm pretty sure Sasha and Malia were tired of throwing frisbees at Joe Biden.

   President Obama has invited a group of top Republicans to watch the Super Bowl with him at the White House. That should be a lot of fun. They're gonna need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos.

   You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.