jon Funny Status Messages

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?

   Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.

   I Love it when my pets sigh, like whats ails you my little freeloader 😄

   16.The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.

   Ok Northerners, stop criticizing how we handle snow & ice. It is very rare down here. You know kinda like winning a BCS National Championship up there

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   National back to being miserable couples day

   Finding a teen that does not have child is like finding the back to my remote

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money