jack Funny Status Messages

   Kendrick Lamar best new country artist

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   If you think 7 yrs is bad luck for breaking a mirror, try a broken condom!

   What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.

   Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

   boobbies make me happy click if you like boobbies, say it boobies

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Justin Biber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Biber

   When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be trown away?

   discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."