bOb Funny Status Messages

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   I remember when I was younger you use to be able to eat at restaurants.

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   The goal keeper in soccer is allowed to pick up the ball...so why doesn't he just pick it up and just run across the field to the other goal?

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb

   I wish these kids would stop crying. I won the Eater egg hunt fair and square.