Z Funny Status Messages

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!

   I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!

   Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.

   like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted

   Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas….It's a great position all year round!

   The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy.

   Life isn't worth living for, unless you have something worth dying for.

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to animals week.

   I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   Just when you thought you had it all, it all falls apart

   Be nice society already sucks!!!

   all men are idiots, and I married their king

   thinking - No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

   "I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. "