SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   We'll be with you soon, starving people of the world, first we need to fight over the ideologies of our fast-food restaurants.

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?