Susan Funny Status Messages

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   I want to be the reason your pants tighten.

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   Shut the hell up and do me. - How arguments should end.