Slickpony Funny Status Messages

   "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....

   so....I just got a Booty Call from Life....apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.... :(

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   "I used to love her, but I had to kill her" ~~ Guns & Roses celebrating Valentines alone, probably....

   you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....

   you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....

   you know....it's been almost two months since Christmas.....I should probably stop ceaselessly referring to my p*nis as the "Pole-her Express"....

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....