Randizzle Funny Status Messages

   If only those tight shirts with the bedazzled wings on the back that some guys wear would allow them to fly far, far away, the world just might be a better place.

   You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   If only those tight shirts with the bedazzled wings on the back that some guys wear would allow them to fly far, far away, the world just might be a better place.

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, because otherwise, I'm certain I would be murdered in their parking lot.

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   I've learned that if you say you're a bad liar, you can pretty much lie about anything.

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!

   Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies.