Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   I'm black but not "ain't nobody got time for that" black.

   Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home.

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.