Karen Funny Status Messages

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.