JMc Funny Status Messages

   In other news the country is headed for a drastic warm spell tonight because of all the hot air pouring from Obamas mouth.

   There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom..

   If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

   Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

   If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

   anyone going to tell America's funniest videos about YouTube?

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?