JMartin Funny Status Messages

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

   As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS?

   If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.

   I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!

   My new years resolution for 2013? I will be less laz

   The only resolution I've ever managed to stick with, was when I resolved not to make resolutions I can't stick with.

   Arguing with strangers on the internet is like the Special Olympics. You might win, but you're still retarded! :)

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.