Griff Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   Does running out of money count as exercise?

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.

   Autocorrect has to be my worst enema.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now

   Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.