DeeX Funny Status Messages

   Everyone's all "confederate flag" this, "gay marriage" that. And I'm just sitting here waiting for the new Minions movie to come out.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   The most realistic part of Avengers: Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the human race must be destroyed after spending a few hours on the Internet.

   Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.

   Her: "Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom and take off my 1 pound of makeup, high heels, push-up bra, colored contacts and 3/4 of my hair and then we're going to talk about YOU being more honest."

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.