BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Re: "there are only 380 million Americans" .....yes there are.... And we still RULE THE WORLD!!!

   " Fcuk the Police" ............ Please encourage this!! With the shift work we do protecting your sorry ass it's sometimes hard to meet women. So please encourage your sister and mother to continue your cause!!

   DAMN!! Obamaphones sure are getting one serious workout these last two nights in Ferguson!!

   Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".