AZ Funny Status Messages

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "

   If guys could get pregnant there would be an abortion clinic on every corner and plan B would come in variety flavor packs

   "No" - Old Irish Proverb

   Death defying. Pffftt. This is my 21,205th consecutive day of defying death.

   Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   Francis Bean is 21 years old. Sleep on that, universe.

   Don't eat glass. Trust me on this one

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.

   As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

   Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween.

   "40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired

   First they came for the communists and I didn't speak out. Since then everything's been pretty good, plus no communists!