Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down and use a lubricant

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.