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I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it. 
North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.
I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.
The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.
Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.
Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.
Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.
I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.
Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.
Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.
If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place. 