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Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later. 
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"
Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.
How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?
Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.
I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.
That TP logo from the campaign seems appropriate now, given all the B S leaking out of this administration.
Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.
Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled. 