Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing. 
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.
the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.
even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.
My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!
I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil
Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover
"a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.
It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.
How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.
I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them. 