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When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake. 
I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.
Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.
I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.
Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.
The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.
They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.
The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.
Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).
It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....
Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.
In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.
Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.
Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.
How much douche could a douche bag douche if a douche bag could bag douche?
My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.
Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.
If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter. 