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Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting. 
Sean Spicer is what would happen if Hank Hill let Cotton influence Bobby.
You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.
Sean Spicer is now claiming that Richard Nixon had a Very Limited Role in Watergate.
Now is probably a good time to teach your Nana how to set up a GoFundMe account for her health insurance.
Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.
Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.
Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.
As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.
Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.
I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .
You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity
Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....
I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.
North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.
I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN. 