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When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. 
Scientists now say the hole in the ozone has been shrinking over the past 15 years and is no longer a problem. If Hillary won we would have been told it doubled. See why we don't trust everything we hear libtards?
Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight
Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.
It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.
My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.
This just in ... aliens no longer want to be taken to our leader.
So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.
"Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal
Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.
Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can. 