Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   I'm not the jealous type... Unless you stop being infatuated with me. Then I pull you back so I can start ignoring you again.

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   The more you show the person that you cant live without them, the more reasons you're giving them to take you for granted.

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.