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My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?" 
My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.
No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.
Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"
Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.
I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.
Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.
An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute
My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.
I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.
23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"
So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML. 