Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   I hate to sound racist, but all Oriental rugs look the same to me.

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!