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Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use. 
Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.
The white house staff has more turnovers than a bakery.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.
With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon
with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance
I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change
Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...
My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.
How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.
May the guy who invented SpellCheck burn in Hello
I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.
Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating
: Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.
Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....
Dearly beloved God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.
Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too
: Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.
I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.
The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day. 