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everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before? 
I have a nutache
"Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.
When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".
Here's a thought. Let's get up a petition to have CNN classifed as a Hate Group.
: Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.
internet dating... ~ welcome to the future ~
: A cat never cries over spilled milk.
: Let's do away with the electoral vote. And go by the actual voter's vote count to determine the winner of an election.
Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me
I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...
It boggles the mind how most of you passionately supports the Neo-Nazis. Absolutely mind boggling.
Maybe if you didn't act like thuggish and lazy pieces of crap there wouldn't be a problem
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.
Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.
I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
Tonight, because of the presidents speech, me and the family of 13 have now converted to democrats. 