Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!