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She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you. 
Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.
A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.
My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.
this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!
According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.
Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?
Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation
The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.
Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.
The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.
My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.
Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!
A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register. 