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This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards 
Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...
My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.
Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out
I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.
The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.
[first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*
Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.
I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.
Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.
Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.
I know what you did last Friday the 13th.
Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.
A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 