Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.