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Tom Steyer needs to be taken out and shot, resuscitated, and shot again. 
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
My only form of communication today is shaking my head.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent
They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.
Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.
With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.
since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet
A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?
I’m not saying I failed as a parent, I’m just saying my son closes the cereal box without rolling up the bag.
Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far? 