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How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses 
I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer. lol!
my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel
why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.
guitar for sale - no strings attached.
just had a near-work experience...
The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...
My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.
it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?
Take your spouse to IKEA from time to time to check out the status of your relationship
I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps
The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it
If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis
How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra? 