Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   Even after a long day at work, I often take work related things home with me." ~ Me referring to the hot women from the accounting department.

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   Why do Mexicans wear "sombreros?" Where else would they put their tacos while stealing your hub caps?

   I wish I could have an out of body experience... especially when it's time to go to work.

   The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.

   You KNOW the economy is bad when the dancers at this strip club are walking around with change belts. I guess it's time to make it HAIL on these b!tches!!

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their sh!t, or is it just me?

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.