Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.