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So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up. 
Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.
Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.
Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.
My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."
Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?
When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind
I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence
I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer”
because when people see a sign that says,
“Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM”
everyone is going to be there.
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.
My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account? 