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I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth 
Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"
My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.
Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were
Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly
Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"
If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.
My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.
Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.
I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food
Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once. 