Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.