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Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero. 
Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?
A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”
My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.
A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".
Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.
The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....
You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates
why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?
The shooter most likely got tired of not been able to skip ads on youtube
the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.
If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks
The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door
My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?
I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge
I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans. 