Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   You put the ID in stupid.

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."