Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   Follow your brain. Your heart's a f*cking idiot.

   Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!