Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.