Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.