Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”