Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death 
Has he made America great yet?
Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.
It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.
Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.
Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.
I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)
🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵
A man of few words is a married man.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?
always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.
How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.
Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots
Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus… 